TYLER
UTAH | SERIES 2
My first crush was on my best friend in kindergarten. Sometimes I wished I were a girl because I wanted boys to like me back, and I was so sheltered that I didn’t know what “gay” meant.
Never lose hope. Sometimes hope will be all that you have.
If you don’t see any light, make your own.
Never lose hope. Sometimes hope will be all that you have. Never let someone or something get you to lose it.
I grew up in a highly religious LDS community for most of my life. So, things to do with the LGBTQ+ community were never really ever mentioned. When they were, it was usually negative and extremely vague. When I was young, I would play dress-up, play with dolls, and watch Barbie movies all the time (but I would never watch them without my sisters).
One of my favorite princesses to dress up as with my little sisters was Cinderella. I wished that I could have a fairy godmother like Cinderella did that would make me feel beautiful and desirable. My mom was always okay with it, and my dad was usually not around, so I had no idea what he thought of it or if he even noticed.
Some family members would get mad at my mom for letting me do what they thought were “girly” things because “doing those things would make me gay.” To this day, some people blame my mother for making me gay on purpose by letting me do things I wanted. It’s important to not take things like that personally; just remember the way those people were raised might have taught them to think that way.
Due to my father being alcoholic and other reasons, we moved around a lot. By the time I was eight I had moved about eight times. Each and every one was due to other people’s actions, never mine, and so I felt like I had no control in what happened with my life at that point.
Make the best of whatever situation you’re in. Sometimes it really, really sucks but it’s more manageable if you can see the light, and if you don’t see any light make your own little patch of light.
My first crush on another boy was in kindergarten. He was my best friend and one of the few guys that didn’t make fun of me for doing “girly” things. Sometimes I wished I were a girl because I wanted boys to like me back, and I was so sheltered that I didn’t know what gay meant. I was extremely confused and felt so alone for years.
Unrequited love will happen. No matter your gender or sexuality, you are going to experience it. Don’t ever take it personally, especially with straight people if you’re gay.
My parents had been divorced for several years before my mom remarried and we moved to Nevada. There I was harassed by several people calling me gay and a f*ggot. There, I finally learned what gay actually meant, and that I wasn’t the only one with these feelings. I felt less alone with that realization, but simultaneously felt cut off from anyone else like me, due to the fact that we lived in a tiny remote town. On top of that, my mother was at that time married to a very homophobic man. I felt like I couldn’t trust my own mother or almost anyone. I feared that if people knew how I felt, my life would be in danger. I felt so depressed, and I would start fights all the time because I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully, that marriage didn’t last.
Even if it doesn’t feel like life is getting any better, you are still in control of your own actions and happiness.
And if you need to, you can move far, far away as an adult.
Soon after, my grandparents came to visit for about a week. My grandma noticed I wasn’t in a good place mentally, and they took me to live with them. That saved my sanity. I went to school the last term of elementary at the school I went to first. I finished school with my friends from when I was younger. Thanks to my grandparents, I remembered what it was like to feel loved again and felt safe. I still wasn’t ready to come out, though. I was 12.
To me, my grandmother is the fairy godmother I always wished for. No, she doesn’t give me whatever I want. What she does much better than that is to always be there, help us with our needs and give us guidance. I am really lucky to have her.
When I finally started to come out, it was on a church trip in 2016. When people kept asking me, I finally quit denying it. Some people were like, “Cool, you do you.” Some people left me out or ignored me, and then there were the people that hated to an extreme for their age. The thing is, it has nothing to do with the church, it’s just how the world works. In my experience, the hater to supporter or indifferent ratio is about 1:6.
I didn’t come out to my parents until they found “come out to friends gay” in my search history. Don’t let your parents know last; otherwise, it can destroy trust. This is unless you have good reason not to do it. Only come out when you’re ready and put your safety first.
You don’t need to be loud to make a big difference.
When you don’t feel confident, fake it. It makes people feel like they can’t hurt you easily.
Don’t pay attention to stereotypes.
And never lose hope. Think about how many possibilities you’ll have throughout your life.
